Ash Ketchum In: You Can't Win 'Em All! Episode 1
by TheMortalSlab
Summary: It seems when the gang visits the Oreburgh City Museum, they get a suprise visit from an old friend! Unfortunately for them, this will be the last visit they ever have...


**If you think I have any association with Nintendo, I laugh at thee.**

**Narrator:**

**When we last left our heroes, they had just unearthed an armor fossil, one of the rarest finds in the Sinnoh region (except in Platinum, I guess; those damn things are _everywhere_), and they had just arrived at the Oreburgh City Museum to resurrect it. What adventures might await them on _this _day?**

**"Hello, and welcome to the Oreburgh Museum!" a bright and bubbly woman proclaimed at the Museum doors.**

**"Hi there, we just found this fossil, and we were hoping to have it brought back to life," the delightfully dim Ash spoke, as Dawn was too busy ogling the various relics of ancient times, and Brock was busy getting a poisonous jab to the asshole, following a pathetic attempt to sway the lifeless corpse of a greeter that stood before them.**

**"Aah, yes! Over here, young man!" yelled a tall, handsome fellow from across the room. Ash and Brock thought to themselves "_hmm, this chap looks quite familiar…"_ They ignored their sub-par sleuthing, and approached the man. "Mmm, yes! It seems we have ourselves an armor fossil, and quite a fossil at that!" He began stroking the fossil in a rather bizarre fashion, which only helped the two mini-Holmes' jog their memory…**

**"YOU'RE THAT DOCTOR FROM KANTO, THE ONE THAT SAVED PIKACHU AND HIT ON MISTY!" Ash screamed in pure terror.**

**"Hey, wait a minute; you're that kid who charged me with adultery after I saved your Pikachu's life! They stripped me of my degrees, and I became the laughing stock of Kanto! I had to move to this shitty region, and work off my lawsuit debts in this stupid Museum! I should kill you where you stand!" he proclaimed as he grabbed the dark-haired dimwit, and gave him his best backhand.**

**Ash, now a discombobulated mess on the linoleum floor, said to himself, "so _that's _how it's gonna be." He gathered himself, got up, and reached in his pocket, only to remove a retractable pen. He leaped into the air, and jabbed the pen into the ex-doctor's left forearm, bolting him to the counter. The man yelped in pain, which attracted the attention of everyone in the Museum. They looked in pure horror at what they witnessed: an amorous employee jerking against his impaled arm, and a young boy staring with pure satisfaction at the pool of blood forming around the wound. The man hurled back his available fist, and lunged forward, hitting young Ash square in the nose, which caused him to fly back several feet before collapsing. Dawn and Brock ran to Ash's aid, asking if he was alright, as his face ran crimson (why haven't they made _that_ color into a city, yet?) with virgin blood.**

**The ex-cage fighter wasn't satisfied with just punching the shit out of his opponent though, no no, he grabbed the nearest available hard thing, and launched it at the young boy, unaware that his apparently blind/apparently black friend was blocking the hard thing's path. The hard thing smashed into the back of Brock's head, and as he fell forward, smothering and suffocating young Ash, blood began to drain from the wound. With all of her strength (the little that there is…), Dawn pushed the failed breeder off of her soon-to-be ex-husband, and checked his pulse. "My god… he's… dead. You killed him, you sick bastard!" Dawn screamed, as tears fell from her face, hitting the lifeless corpse of what was once her personal chef.**

**"Aha, and I'd do it again, if he wasn't already dead!" screamed the psychotic man.**

**"Huh?" said Dawn, now completely puzzled (because I guess she wasn't already confused before?).**

**"Stay back, yo" Ash said, pushing her aside. "I got this one." He began running about the Museum, completely ignoring the "Please, do not run in the Museum" signs that filled the room, gathering various deadly weapons that lay on display. "I can't go back to jail, I _won't_ go back" Ash said to himself as he began sprinting towards his now-mortal enemy with sword in hand. The ex-doctor deflected the blade with his robot arm, which he keeps stowed away within his lab coat that he still wears, for some reason. Ash then jumped back, and began throwing many stone daggers at this 3-armed man, only to have them all be deflected by that which makes him a "3-armed man", his third arm; the robot arm, you see. The daggers began flying in all different directions towards the various Museum-goers, puncturing them in their precious little torsos. The final dagger was thrown, only to be deflected, and impaled through Dawn's dumbfounded face. She flew backwards, slamming against the floor with a hard _THUD_.**

**"DAAAAAAAAAWN!" Ash screamed, coming to the realization that he now has no friends. He almost felt compassion, but his manliness prevented him from doing so. He was now out of weapons, and decided to use his friends' corpses to his advantage (no, not like _that_, not _yet_ anyways…), and flung them at the on-looking robot-man. One by one, they pummeled the beast, as his human arm was dislodged from the counter.**

**His eyes glowed red with vengeance, having been an archery board for rotting carcasses. He let out a battle cry, as his self-destruct function had been activated through contact with the deceased. "GGNNNNNEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHH!" he screamed, as his head began rotating at a dangerous velocity. Ash ducked behind one of the other counters, and prepared himself for the inevitable. The robot let out its final words, "Some day, my voluptuous adversary, I will have my vengeance!" With those parting words, the robot-man/ex-doctor/ex-cage fighter/3-armed man/soon-to-be ex-Museum employee caused a massive explosion that wiped everyone into extinction.**

**Except for Ash.**

**Yes, it turns out the counters were made of Titanium, a matter that's impervious to explosions, according to made-up research. Ash crawled up from the sooty wreckage that moments ago was a glorified rock zoo, dusted off his blazer, which he was apparently wearing, and proclaimed with a sigh, "Well, I guess you can't win 'em all!"**

**With those words, Ash left the Museum with the sun shining and a smile on his face. He skipped along happily back to Jubilife City and began singing:**

**Day is ending, birds are wending**

**Back to the shelter of**

**Each little nest they love**

**Nightshades falling, lovers calling**

**What makes the World go round?**

**Nothing but love**

**When whippoorwills call**

**And evening is nigh**

**I hurry to my Blue Heaven**

**I turn to the right**

**A little white light**

**Will lead you to my Blue Heaven**

**A smiling face, a fireplace, a cozy room**

**A little nest that nestles where roses bloom**

**Just Molly and me**

**And baby makes three**

**We're happy in my Blue Heaven**

**A smiling face, a fireplace, a cozy room**

**A little nest that nestles where roses bloom**

**Just Molly and me**

**And baby makes three**

**We're happy in my Blue Heaven**

**(Whistling)**

**A smiling face, a fireplace, a cozy room**

**A little nest that nestles where roses bloom**

**Just Molly and me**

**And baby makes three**

**We hurry to my Blue Heaven**


End file.
